Photostories by Humans of St. Louis
Bibigul and Abdulaziz
Laghman, Afghanistan
Son-in-law: “I met my wife in St. Louis. She is really happy because it’s been almost a decade since she has seen her parents, Bibigul and Abdulaziz. It’s a big family and they have a long story. But, basically, my wife’s younger sister first came to the United States on a tourist visa during Bush’s Presidency. She then came back to the U.S., but this time with asylum status because she was receiving threats to herself and her family. All of her family members faced a lot of hardships. My wife’s parents were both working in Afghanistan in official roles and they had to migrate to Pakistan as refugees. They weren’t able to get refugee status in the U.S. or there. So, they started working as social workers, going to the camps and helping needy people. The whole family is pretty much linked with this kind of social work. I worked for six years at Barnes Jewish Children’s Behavioral Health. My wife worked for five years there, too. My father-in-law worked with nonprofits for kids and had an NGO. I mean, it’s been almost a decade since they have seen their daughters. So when my wife got her citizenship here, me and her applied for her parents’ cases, and now you see them here.”
“Why did you choose St. Louis to settle in? Or did St. Louis choose you?”
Daughter: “To be connected to family. My grandmother and some other family on my mother’s side were already living here. They came through the refugee program, and through the refugee program you don’t choose.”
Son-in-law: “They assign your city or state, so you just come. Then, for example, if I came here yesterday, and I have family in Chicago, I will definitely go to Chicago because I might have a little more support. Being an immigrant for most of your life means that you are basically separated from your family. That’s how I see it. Half of your life is gone and then once you reunite, one is here, one is there, one is married, one is unmarried. So life is not easy. Nobody wants to leave their country and live somewhere where you are not familiar with the language or the people. But everybody wants the good type of life. We are settled now. Before we came, it was like, ‘My goodness. Somebody was choking you. Every single day.’ I’m originally from Afghanistan and my whole family were refugees in India. Now my older brothers are there, so that’s why my mom is there, visiting them. You see? Same thing. Life is like this. I can’t see them because I have kids and a job here. Every day and night since my mother-in-law arrived, she has cried because her sons back home don’t really have anyone there with them. One of them burned his hand on the stove recently trying to cook for himself.”
Daughter: “We don’t have a lot of resources back there. We don’t have roads like this and every family does not have a car, so you can’t go to places. Electricity is a big problem in the city because you don’t have it 24-hours a day, so you have a lot of communication problems.”
“Why did you choose St. Louis to settle in? Or did St. Louis choose you?”
Daughter: “To be connected to family. My grandmother and some other family on my mother’s side were already living here. They came through the refugee program, and through the refugee program you don’t choose.”
Son-in-law: “They assign your city or state, so you just come. Then, for example, if I came here yesterday, and I have family in Chicago, I will definitely go to Chicago because I might have a little more support. Being an immigrant for most of your life means that you are basically separated from your family. That’s how I see it. Half of your life is gone and then once you reunite, one is here, one is there, one is married, one is unmarried. So life is not easy. Nobody wants to leave their country and live somewhere where you are not familiar with the language or the people. But everybody wants the good type of life. We are settled now. Before we came, it was like, ‘My goodness. Somebody was choking you. Every single day.’ I’m originally from Afghanistan and my whole family were refugees in India. Now my older brothers are there, so that’s why my mom is there, visiting them. You see? Same thing. Life is like this. I can’t see them because I have kids and a job here. Every day and night since my mother-in-law arrived, she has cried because her sons back home don’t really have anyone there with them. One of them burned his hand on the stove recently trying to cook for himself.”
Daughter: “We don’t have a lot of resources back there. We don’t have roads like this and every family does not have a car, so you can’t go to places. Electricity is a big problem in the city because you don’t have it 24-hours a day, so you have a lot of communication problems.”
Bibigul clasps her hands while staring at the camera.
Son-in-law: “My mother-in-law was really amazed when she saw us. She was like, ‘I am still dreaming.’ It’s a long time. A decade is a long time. She was shocked for like three days after she arrived. Everyday she would say, ‘Are you sure I’m here? We’ve been talking every day through the distance and today I’m here face-to-face talking to you.’”
Daughter: “My parents just arrived in February 2017. Yes, they are very fresh. The last time I saw them was when I visited them in 2010. We have waited a long time for them to be here. They haven’t gotten any assistance from MICA yet, but MICA connected me to a pro bono lawyer. They helped us to bring my parents here. It took like 11 months. They’re here as permanent residents right now, and the pro bono lawyer is helping us to get my brothers here. They are both minors. We have to start the process over again for them. Altogether, we are six siblings – two sisters and four brothers. One brother is already here, and the oldest is back in Afghanistan, married with kids, so we are not trying to bring him here. It’s a very long process.”
Son-in-law: “When they were refugees in Pakistan, my mother- and father-in-law were working with Save the Children and so many other agencies. And my mother-in-law’s mom, Bibigul's mother, used to take care of the kids. They had already migrated from their home country of Afghanistan after all of the political stuff started. And still they were not familiar with the language because Pashto and Urdu and Farsi are really different. They had to survive, so they started doing their jobs and they would have to leave their kids with the children's’ grandmother. Well, when my father passed away in Kabul, we went to bury him. My parents-in-law came from Pakistan to Afghanistan, so I met them in Kabul for the first time when Daughter and I were already married. They’ve all been telling me so many stories over time, and I’m a good listener! And every single thing they’re telling me now in person since they arrived is adding up.”
Daughter: “My parents just arrived in February 2017. Yes, they are very fresh. The last time I saw them was when I visited them in 2010. We have waited a long time for them to be here. They haven’t gotten any assistance from MICA yet, but MICA connected me to a pro bono lawyer. They helped us to bring my parents here. It took like 11 months. They’re here as permanent residents right now, and the pro bono lawyer is helping us to get my brothers here. They are both minors. We have to start the process over again for them. Altogether, we are six siblings – two sisters and four brothers. One brother is already here, and the oldest is back in Afghanistan, married with kids, so we are not trying to bring him here. It’s a very long process.”
Son-in-law: “When they were refugees in Pakistan, my mother- and father-in-law were working with Save the Children and so many other agencies. And my mother-in-law’s mom, Bibigul's mother, used to take care of the kids. They had already migrated from their home country of Afghanistan after all of the political stuff started. And still they were not familiar with the language because Pashto and Urdu and Farsi are really different. They had to survive, so they started doing their jobs and they would have to leave their kids with the children's’ grandmother. Well, when my father passed away in Kabul, we went to bury him. My parents-in-law came from Pakistan to Afghanistan, so I met them in Kabul for the first time when Daughter and I were already married. They’ve all been telling me so many stories over time, and I’m a good listener! And every single thing they’re telling me now in person since they arrived is adding up.”
Bibigul is sitting in the living room with her mother as the two of them cradle her infant grandchild.
“Can you ask your mom what’s been the biggest surprise since she got to the U.S.?”
Daughter: “My mom says that ‘everything has been a surprise to me since I arrived in the U.S., especially all of the resources and facilities that you have.’ The other day when my youngest baby got sick, he was having difficulty breathing, and this continued for about 15 to 20 minutes. Unfortunately, my husband and I were out, and my mom was taking care of my son. She called us and said, ‘Hey, this baby does not look fine to me. Please come home quickly!’ He was not breathing, and his hands and lips were blue. He had already had a similar attack twice, and she did not tell us this, but she had this feeling like, ‘God forbid, that he may not survive because it is so severe.’ Keep in mind, it would have taken much longer in Afghanistan to get to the hospital with the roads there and then to get services from the doctors. She hadn’t experienced the services here, yet. So she was with us when we got to the ER, they took the baby in seconds and started treating him, and my mom said, ‘This is amazing!’ Though we have very good doctors back there, we do not have very many resources. Unfortunately, we don’t have all of this machinery and other things that can save lives. So she was very surprised. If the baby had been in Afghanistan, she was sure he would not have survived.”
Son-in-law: “We were in the hospital for about two days and she was so worried about our youngest son. We were all tired, but I saw her just standing and trying to feed him and taking care of him the whole night.”
Daughter: “My mom says that ‘everything has been a surprise to me since I arrived in the U.S., especially all of the resources and facilities that you have.’ The other day when my youngest baby got sick, he was having difficulty breathing, and this continued for about 15 to 20 minutes. Unfortunately, my husband and I were out, and my mom was taking care of my son. She called us and said, ‘Hey, this baby does not look fine to me. Please come home quickly!’ He was not breathing, and his hands and lips were blue. He had already had a similar attack twice, and she did not tell us this, but she had this feeling like, ‘God forbid, that he may not survive because it is so severe.’ Keep in mind, it would have taken much longer in Afghanistan to get to the hospital with the roads there and then to get services from the doctors. She hadn’t experienced the services here, yet. So she was with us when we got to the ER, they took the baby in seconds and started treating him, and my mom said, ‘This is amazing!’ Though we have very good doctors back there, we do not have very many resources. Unfortunately, we don’t have all of this machinery and other things that can save lives. So she was very surprised. If the baby had been in Afghanistan, she was sure he would not have survived.”
Son-in-law: “We were in the hospital for about two days and she was so worried about our youngest son. We were all tired, but I saw her just standing and trying to feed him and taking care of him the whole night.”
Abdulaziz has his arm around his wife Bibigul as they stand outside in their neighborhood.
“How was your parents’ journey over here?”
Daughter: “There weren’t any problems except for immigration in Abu Dhabi. The immigration officer took longer to file everything, so she was a afraid that they might not be able to make it here. They missed their flight because they had to do all of these verifications. They heard the news from the new President, so that was a lot of stress on them and on us. We couldn’t sleep for three nights while they were on their way.”
Son-in-law: “It was so stressful. It’s not easy to go to a country where you don’t know anything. For instance, imagine you don’t speak Chinese and you are going to China. Now, with technology you can do something, but my parents-in-law are a little old school. I can manage through some apps or something, but it’s not easy for them. Everything is new. And it’s just the two of them together, alone. That was hard on them, on us, on the attorney.”
Daughter: “The attorney was very alert. She was always telling us what was happening and she was the one who told us to bring them over from Afghanistan to the U.S. as soon as possible. So we told them, ‘Just get your tickets and come.’ It was only when they were stopped at immigration that it stressed us out because a lot of people were turned away and had to go back to their homes because of the new laws. They told us, ‘You never know. They are stopping all immigrants and refugees, and even if they’re names are not on the list, we have to be aware.’”
Daughter: “There weren’t any problems except for immigration in Abu Dhabi. The immigration officer took longer to file everything, so she was a afraid that they might not be able to make it here. They missed their flight because they had to do all of these verifications. They heard the news from the new President, so that was a lot of stress on them and on us. We couldn’t sleep for three nights while they were on their way.”
Son-in-law: “It was so stressful. It’s not easy to go to a country where you don’t know anything. For instance, imagine you don’t speak Chinese and you are going to China. Now, with technology you can do something, but my parents-in-law are a little old school. I can manage through some apps or something, but it’s not easy for them. Everything is new. And it’s just the two of them together, alone. That was hard on them, on us, on the attorney.”
Daughter: “The attorney was very alert. She was always telling us what was happening and she was the one who told us to bring them over from Afghanistan to the U.S. as soon as possible. So we told them, ‘Just get your tickets and come.’ It was only when they were stopped at immigration that it stressed us out because a lot of people were turned away and had to go back to their homes because of the new laws. They told us, ‘You never know. They are stopping all immigrants and refugees, and even if they’re names are not on the list, we have to be aware.’”
Bibigul and Abdulaziz smile and each hold a grandchild in their arms.
“So they had an NGO in their country and ran a nonprofit? Can you tell me a little more about what they did?”
Daughter: “My father had an NGO. He ran a microfinance program for women who are not able to go outside or have small businesses. So he was able to get loans specifically for women, like housewives. He ran it for a couple of years, then he handed the organization over to someone else because he could no longer live where he was at. He had experience working at Save the Children for seven years and, through that program, they had to visit Bangladesh, where they met other people there for training. There, they met Catherine, who was Afghani-American and worked for an organization which provided funds for NGOs. So she asked my father if he could establish an organization in Afghanistan, and it would be the first time to have something like this for women there. So they decided to do it, and my father ran the business. The name was Parwaz, which from Pashto to English means ‘empowering women.’ Catherine got the donations together, they formed groups of women, and the women were given loans for three to six months so they could do things like tailoring and embroidery. The groups had witnesses and guarantors, so one woman would sign for the loan and another would guarantee that she would pay it back. With every payment, the women were saving like $50 for their future. Once the loan was finished, they got the savings back, like, ‘You’ve got this much, now utilize it.’ They ran it for about three years, but it’s not easy to run an NGO there, especially for women whose family members didn’t always support them. And one of the organization’s directors got beheaded. So, it was a security issue.”
“And now they’re here on what type of visa?”
Son-in-law: “They’re here as permanent residents.”
“Can you ask her how special it is for her to be able to be with her grandkids now?”
Son-in-law: “‘Everything is very, very good! Because we are all here now and everyone is settled, in good shape, and happy.’ She’s also praying to see her youngest sons when they come. For a mother and father, it is special for them to see their kids.”
Daughter: “My father had an NGO. He ran a microfinance program for women who are not able to go outside or have small businesses. So he was able to get loans specifically for women, like housewives. He ran it for a couple of years, then he handed the organization over to someone else because he could no longer live where he was at. He had experience working at Save the Children for seven years and, through that program, they had to visit Bangladesh, where they met other people there for training. There, they met Catherine, who was Afghani-American and worked for an organization which provided funds for NGOs. So she asked my father if he could establish an organization in Afghanistan, and it would be the first time to have something like this for women there. So they decided to do it, and my father ran the business. The name was Parwaz, which from Pashto to English means ‘empowering women.’ Catherine got the donations together, they formed groups of women, and the women were given loans for three to six months so they could do things like tailoring and embroidery. The groups had witnesses and guarantors, so one woman would sign for the loan and another would guarantee that she would pay it back. With every payment, the women were saving like $50 for their future. Once the loan was finished, they got the savings back, like, ‘You’ve got this much, now utilize it.’ They ran it for about three years, but it’s not easy to run an NGO there, especially for women whose family members didn’t always support them. And one of the organization’s directors got beheaded. So, it was a security issue.”
“And now they’re here on what type of visa?”
Son-in-law: “They’re here as permanent residents.”
“Can you ask her how special it is for her to be able to be with her grandkids now?”
Son-in-law: “‘Everything is very, very good! Because we are all here now and everyone is settled, in good shape, and happy.’ She’s also praying to see her youngest sons when they come. For a mother and father, it is special for them to see their kids.”
Close up of Abdulaziz smiling at the camera.
“What’s a piece of advice your parents gave you growing up that you always hung on to?”
Daughter: “Be on time. That was the one thing that I always remember. It’s in my head all the time. And one more thing my father said: ‘Learn one word of English every day and you will learn 365 words of English in a year.’ When we were back in Pakistan, he was paying all of our tuition fees for school so we could learn English, and he said, ‘This is now the international language and you may need it some time.’ When we would playing around and stuff, he said, ‘Learn. Don’t play. Learn one word a day and you will learn 365 words a year.’”
“Does he remember saying that? Is he doing that now that he is here?”
Daughter: “No, I don’t think he does that now because he knows that everybody has learned English here! So maybe now he will tell the kids, ‘Learn Chinese!’”
Son-in-law: “Yeah, most of us are bilingual. And he speaks, what? Three or four languages.”
Daughter: “Be on time. That was the one thing that I always remember. It’s in my head all the time. And one more thing my father said: ‘Learn one word of English every day and you will learn 365 words of English in a year.’ When we were back in Pakistan, he was paying all of our tuition fees for school so we could learn English, and he said, ‘This is now the international language and you may need it some time.’ When we would playing around and stuff, he said, ‘Learn. Don’t play. Learn one word a day and you will learn 365 words a year.’”
“Does he remember saying that? Is he doing that now that he is here?”
Daughter: “No, I don’t think he does that now because he knows that everybody has learned English here! So maybe now he will tell the kids, ‘Learn Chinese!’”
Son-in-law: “Yeah, most of us are bilingual. And he speaks, what? Three or four languages.”
Bibigul holds her smiling granddaughter in the hallway of their home.
“What’s an assumption that people make about you, but they’re totally wrong?”
Son-in-law: “I still remember this incident in which two ladies, Americans, were talking about geography and I was listening in on their conversation. Someone nearby asked them, ‘What are the main rivers in America?’ and they were like, ‘Ummm…’ One lady recalled the Mississippi River, but they were stuck on the rest. So, I had passed the citizenship exam and I was at a sixth, seventh, or eighth grade level of American history. So I told them about the other four major rivers. This is the thing. It’s about knowledge. Most of the time I tell my wife, ‘It’s actually not their fault that they don’t know about things. T.V. mostly shows negative things.’ I sometimes think that one day God will give me this...I will not say option, but one day, if there’s something that I have to sacrifice my life for for an American, they will see. In our country, there is a lot of attachment and love. If someone dies on your street, for like 30 days each home will send food. There is so much help and support. It doesn’t matter what religion, or what race, what color, or where you go. God gave us a good heart, you know? God gave us hands. All fingers are different. So how are we going to use them?”
Daughter: “In Afghanistan, people are very much into hospitality.”
Son-in-law: “We love hospitality. Everything we cook here, I tell my wife, we have to share it with our neighbors.”
Daughter: “In the beginning, we were afraid to do that because we didn’t know if someone might think that it’s wrong. Like, ‘Why would they send this food to us?’ That’s why we kind of limit our hospitality here because people here think differently.”
Son-in-law: “Even if I wanted to help an older lady or an older gentleman, I always think, ‘But they’re going to have a negative impression.’ I used to pick up older people from bus stops and streets and drop them off to their homes. Alone, it was tough, but whenever I had my kids and my wife with me, it made people more comfortable. As a man with a different accent and look, it was different for them. There are times when my father-in-law goes out with us now and he is wearing his traditional, comfortable clothes and people stare at him. I feel bad. It is so uncomfortable. I don’t tell him though. I don’t want to be negative. But I recognize it. I know what people think. I know here. I live here.”
Son-in-law: “I still remember this incident in which two ladies, Americans, were talking about geography and I was listening in on their conversation. Someone nearby asked them, ‘What are the main rivers in America?’ and they were like, ‘Ummm…’ One lady recalled the Mississippi River, but they were stuck on the rest. So, I had passed the citizenship exam and I was at a sixth, seventh, or eighth grade level of American history. So I told them about the other four major rivers. This is the thing. It’s about knowledge. Most of the time I tell my wife, ‘It’s actually not their fault that they don’t know about things. T.V. mostly shows negative things.’ I sometimes think that one day God will give me this...I will not say option, but one day, if there’s something that I have to sacrifice my life for for an American, they will see. In our country, there is a lot of attachment and love. If someone dies on your street, for like 30 days each home will send food. There is so much help and support. It doesn’t matter what religion, or what race, what color, or where you go. God gave us a good heart, you know? God gave us hands. All fingers are different. So how are we going to use them?”
Daughter: “In Afghanistan, people are very much into hospitality.”
Son-in-law: “We love hospitality. Everything we cook here, I tell my wife, we have to share it with our neighbors.”
Daughter: “In the beginning, we were afraid to do that because we didn’t know if someone might think that it’s wrong. Like, ‘Why would they send this food to us?’ That’s why we kind of limit our hospitality here because people here think differently.”
Son-in-law: “Even if I wanted to help an older lady or an older gentleman, I always think, ‘But they’re going to have a negative impression.’ I used to pick up older people from bus stops and streets and drop them off to their homes. Alone, it was tough, but whenever I had my kids and my wife with me, it made people more comfortable. As a man with a different accent and look, it was different for them. There are times when my father-in-law goes out with us now and he is wearing his traditional, comfortable clothes and people stare at him. I feel bad. It is so uncomfortable. I don’t tell him though. I don’t want to be negative. But I recognize it. I know what people think. I know here. I live here.”
Bibigul sits in the living room and feeds her granddaughter.
Daughter: “Me, my husband, and my sister were going to court a couple of months ago. I dress like this all the time and my sister was dressed up like me that day, too. We were in the elevator and there was a policeman who came in and was standing with us. A policeman! And all of a sudden, as my sister and I were talking, she just put her hands in her pockets for no reason, and this man was very uncomfortable. Maybe he thought we had something in our pockets and we might attack him. It was so strange. We could see very clearly that he was stressed out wondering, ‘What are they doing?’ He just left the elevator quickly, and we three were laughing ad wondering, ‘Why? What is so bad? Why was he so stressed out?’ We felt like he was afraid of us; that we might attack him. I’m not sure what he thought about us.”
Son-in-law: “It’s lack of knowledge. People need to know more about other cultures. Americans should definitely widen their horizons to see that there’s not only one culture. The neighboring countries from where I am from have different cultures and religion. I’ve read about history. I know a lot about America, and about Middle Eastern countries, Asian countries, China, and Persia. People need to be educated here, because once people know, they have a lot of respect for others. When you go through things like war, immigration, and family separation, you automatically get strong. We are really strong. But I still get upset at things like this.”
Son-in-law: “It’s lack of knowledge. People need to know more about other cultures. Americans should definitely widen their horizons to see that there’s not only one culture. The neighboring countries from where I am from have different cultures and religion. I’ve read about history. I know a lot about America, and about Middle Eastern countries, Asian countries, China, and Persia. People need to be educated here, because once people know, they have a lot of respect for others. When you go through things like war, immigration, and family separation, you automatically get strong. We are really strong. But I still get upset at things like this.”
Bibigul and Abdulaziz look at the camera as they hold their grandchildren.
Son-in-law: “I’m thankful, even if some days I get upset when someone really disrespects me. I still have a good life. Somewhere, at some point, it really hits you. We are educated, but I think, ‘What will happen for those who are not that educated?’ We know about laws and policies here, so we can handle ourselves pretty well. It’s been eight years and we are pretty well settled. But I think about others who have so many struggles in life. I don’t even want to put a piece of paper outside because I don’t want to disrespect what we have by making the place dirty. I try to educate people here by telling them why they should be thankful. In some places, people have no insurance and no hospitals, people are dying, bleeding, and have diseases. People in hospitals are operating on patients out in the open. Who cares? So I tell people, ‘Be thankful for this country and do more.’ Everybody should make little efforts to do more.’ God forbid, something were to happen to the country and people here had to migrate. When you look at your babies and your kids and your older parents, imagine, even if you’re young, having to be the person responsible for the family. Maybe you can take care of things, but you look at your kids and parents and they can’t. People should put themselves into the scenario to ask themselves, ‘How will we survive if we do not have support?’ It’s not easy, so how can you help?”